Xmas just wouldn’t be Xmas without the added stress of banging out a few Finnginn Festive countdown blogs. It’s been two years since the last musical one and my mum still hasn’t forgiven me for not including Greg Lake’s I believe in Father Christmas in my top 8.
You’re probably familiar with the proverb: ‘You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince!’ Nowhere is this more true than in the search for interesting tunes to liven up the old Xmas playlist. It’s an Xmas tradition of mine to spend early December hanging out in the lesser-listened marshy backwaters of Spotify, indulging in a spot of amphibian osculation in the hope of finding a minor royal or two to share with followers of the Finnginn blog.
Occasionally, one encounters a frog so halitotic and slimy - I don’t want to be too cruel to the noble frog here so I will henceforth abandon the metaphor and just talk about songs. Occasionally, one encounters an Xmas song so bad that it deserves to be shared - dare I say, ‘celebrated’? - on its own terms.
The Magic of Christmas - A Heartwarming Holiday Song
The less dedicated pursuer of Xmas music may not have made it to Vol 2 of Christmas R&B Journey - so would not have been rewarded with the distinctly unmagical The Magic of Christmas - A Heartwarming Holiday Song. Call me cynical, but there is nothing warm about the decision to define your Christmas song as ‘heartwarming’ in the title. The song is flat and lifeless and the elements of a magical Christmas celebrated in the lyrics include… er… shop window displays shining bright: “So let us dance and celebrate, this season’s joy is truly great!”
Happy Christmas (War is Over)
Opera stars are, by their very nature, cover artists. The original version of Happy Christmas (War is Over) already hits so many of our favourite Xmas song tropes - sleigh bells, children’s choir, message of peace and unity, subliminal buddhist mantra in the outro. So any cover artist should sensibly ask themselves: what are you bringing to the table? Of course, the three tenors can always say: our incredible operatic voices! And that is all very well when covering e.g. Dormi, O bambino. But something about these pop/opera crossovers just don’t sit comfortably in the eustachian tubes of this listener.
Get Low to a Holly Jolly Christmas
I suppose one could charitably say that the artist who recorded this song was taking a pop at the schmaltziness of Xmas music and certainly there are those in the comments section of the YouTube that think the juxtaposition of a few modern obscenities and a familiar jingly backing track are comedy gold. However, the slide into casual misogyny from a promising start is a missbeat for me.
What are your favourite worst Xmas songs? But please don’t spam the comments saying it’s Greg Lake’s I believe in Father Christmas. You’ll upset my mum.
Header photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash
