Friday, 15 March 2019

Nine New Brexit Metaphors

One small pleasure to come out of watching all the recent UK political conversations has been the proliferation of Brexit metaphors. You're probably familiar with the Red, White and Blue Brexit, the Hotel California Brexit and the Titanic Brexit. Keen observers can probably add the Blue Fluffy Monster Brexit and the Peppermint Tea Brexit.

As a gift to hardworking pundits as Brexit looks set to extend beyond the promised 29th March deadline, here's a few more to bear in mind...

Cathedral City Brexit

A Brexit aimed at pleasing the residents of parochial cities such as Norwich, York and Salisbury, this Brexit has the whiff of costly imported cheddar.

School Disco Brexit

A Brexit where all the Leavers are dancing away provocatively, whilst all the Remainers are sulking by the wall and wishing they were popular enough to join in.

Corned Beef Hash Brexit

I've been accidentally stockpiling corned beef for years before the threat of no deal Brexit made stockpiling fashionable. 

For reasons beyond my understanding, my wife doesn't like me to eat meals comprised chiefly of fatty processed meat. So, naturally, when she took Finn Jr down to visit the in-laws recently, I retrieved from the back of the cupboard the can of corned beef that was least past its sell-by-date to make a delicious corned beef hash. I even, as comedy tradition demands, managed to cut my hand opening the can. 

When I sat down to eat the meal of canned meat fried in butter with potato and onion, disaster struck! No HP sauce! 

The Corned Beef Hash Brexit is a Brexit defined by illicit enjoyment of a forbidden meal ruined by the fact that its ideal accompaniment is manufactured in the EU.

Drill and Fill Brexit

A Brexit that you keep putting off because you are convinced that you have advanced periodontitis, but it turns out you have just been over-indulging from the office biscuit tin and need a filling. 

George Orwell Brexit

"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever."

Mad Cow Disease Brexit

[Insert Theresa May (DEFRA more politically correct?) joke here]

Black Spot Brexit

A Brexit handed to you by a blind pirate that makes you want to throttle yourself.

Full English Brexit

Bacon, mushrooms, fried egg, sausage, black pudding, toast, beans, Scottish independence, Welsh indifference and a hard customs border in the Irish Sea.

Full Irish Brexit

The same as above but with additional white pudding and a soft border between the Republic and the North.


The striking kids have got it right. Our actions are changing the habitability of the only planet we can live on. Perhaps we should be focusing on that?